Conversation

CONVRESATION

CONVERSATION

Definition  - Conversation is an informal, usually private talk in which two or more people exchange thoughts, feelings, ideas, facts arguments, opinion, new information etc.

It is a vocal interaction between two or more persons in which information, opinions/arguments are exchanged and the participants take turns in speaking and listening.

Conversation is interactive communication through speech between two or more persons as a part of the process of socialisation.

The important point to note here is that there must be two or more people involved in a conversation. It is not enough for two or more people to be present at the place. They must take active part and become speakers and listeners by turns. If only one person goes on speaking and the others continue to be silent listeners, the exercise is not a conversation in spite of the presence of several people. It may be a monologue, a lecture, a speech, or a presentation but it is not a conversation. Remember, a monologue is not conversation. Vocal participation by more than one person is a necessary condition of conversation.

Components of a great and meaningful conversation

How do we define a good meaningful conversation? Is an attempt to show off your knowledge? Is it an attempt to compel the other fellow to agree with you? The answer to these questions is NO. Such interaction may be conversation but it is certainly not a great experience. A healthy conversation is a relaxing experience which removes all obstacles and builds trust among the participants. If there are any logjams or stalemates, it removes them and clears the way for things to move on and reach the desired end.

A healthy conversation is like a game of throw and catch. You throw as much as you catch. You try to anticipate the direction, the height and the speed of your partner’s throw. Your partner too does the same.

Alas! Technology has taken a heavy toll on the great art of conversation. It is only rarely that we enjoy the taste of a healthy, relaxing conversation. Text messaging and email etc. have driven it out of the social scene. The short messages we exchange on the social platforms are a poor substitute for conversation. They cannot solve problems by removing obstacles and making things move. A healthy conversation must have the following components:

1.     Speaking – As already said, conversation is a vocal exchange between two or more people. There can be no conversation if no one speaks. An exchange of information through signs or gestures cannot be called conversation at all. The participants must express their views clearly and politely keeping in view the age, knowledge, language proficiency and the intellectual level of the other participants.

2.     Listening – Listening is the second essential component of conversation. If one person goes on speaking and the others do not show any interest in what he says, the exercise is not conversation. An important to thing to remember is that the silence of the other people on the scene cannot be interpreted as listening. They may not be trying to understand him but preparing for what they have to say after him. Or they may just be waiting for the speaker to finish without paying any attention to him so that they may be able to attend to something else that is waiting. They may be thinking of something else and be present there only physically. Such silence does not mean listening. They must pay the speaker their full attention and try to understand what he says inorder to be truly listening.

Effective listening requires complete presence of mind and an active attempt to understand the perception, the feelings, the anxiety, the pain etc. of the speaker. When you are listening in the true sense, you hear even what is not said. You make inferences and get the information which implied, not explicitly stated.

Over-listening also upsets the balance of the conversation. If speaking too much is not desirable, keeping silent and go on listening for too long is also not desirable. The participants must devote approximately equal time to speaking and listening.

3.     Empathy – In a healthy conversation, the listeners must try to put themselves in the speaker’s shoes and experience the emotion that he is experiencing. It is not enough to sympathise. They must share the feeling and offer to help. But you must not adopt a patronising attitude by saying that you have passed through and you can tell him what to do and the start prescribing solutions. Do not adopt an attitude of superiority. Share his feelings and join him in finding the solution rather than prescribing your own ready-made solution.

4.     Labelling emotions – Labelling emotions means trying to put the speaker’s emotions as well your own into specific words. Doing so validates and acknowledges them. But you must try to do so from the speaker’s point of view, not your own. Do not appear to be imposing your own perspective on him by saying, “I think you…………: Say rather, “It seems, or it feels, or it sounds or it looks like you………….. . Let him feel that you are trying to see things from his standpoint rather than yours.

Label your own emotions the same way. That will make them look more specific.

Also remember not to try to balance your partner’s emotions by going to the opposite extreme. Do not expect him to smile if he is sad. Do not take upon yourself to change his mood. Just share his feeling and sympathise with him. Any attempt to get him out of that pit must wait till the right moment. It should not come too early.

5.     Summarising – At intervals, you should try to summarise the feelings that the other fellow has expressed. But careful not to impose your own perspective. Do it from his perspective. While trying to do so, do not just repeat his words in a parrot like fashion. Try to sum them up in your own words. Do it in such a way that instead of saying “You are right.”, he says “It is right or that is right.” The response “You are right” may be a signal to you to stop talking. Or it may signify that he agrees with you but still prefers to stick to his opinion. The response “That’s right” signals that he feels heard and understood and is ready to move ahead.

6.     Brevity – Remember that over-communication too is disastrous to conversation. Enough is enough. You must know when you have reached the limit. Fewer words have a deeper impact. The other fellow absorbs them and reflects over them. Use just as many words as are necessary. Do not start giving a lecture. The other fellow may listen silently. But his silence can have many meanings. It may mean that he is thinking or that he is feeling uncomfortable or that he wants you to go on or that he wants you to stop. Try to understand the meaning of his silence and proceed accordingly.

7.     Building mutual ground – Try to give a direction to the conversation which the others too appreciate, are interested in and are able to understand. Do not fall a prey to curse of the expert and go on explaining to them something that they cannot understand or are not interested in using all the jargon belonging to the field just to show them that you know much more than they.

And do not underestimate their ability to understand and try to over-simplify things making them feel that you consider them to be simpletons. Just a hint of that is enough to make them wish to put an end to the conversation. The best thing to do is to give them credit for being as intelligent and as informed as you are unless, of course, they feel to be ignorant and treat you as an expert whom they expect to explain things to them which they do not understand.

8.     Genuineness – Always be honest and sincere in what you say. Do not have a hidden motive. Do not say what you do not actually mean. Do not try to be sympathising and helping while in reality you have your own axe to grind. Remember, people can sense a hypocrite from a mile.

9.     Cue - Cues are an integral part of conversation. When the speakers has finished what he wants to say, he gives a cue, a signal that he has finished and now it is your turn to speak. The cue may be verbal. He may ask a question or request you to give your opinion. This is a verbal clue. Or instead of doing so, he may use some kind of a gesture which indicates that he wants you to speak now. For example, he may move his head upwards or just look at you with askance eyes or signal with his hand that he wants you to speak now. Such a signal is a non-verbal cue. It is important to give such cues and also to take them and make appropriate responses. Without giving and understanding such cues, conversation cannot keep going and will die a natural death.

10.                         Friendliness and politeness – Friendliness and politeness are the soul of a conversation. Give a smiling look and be nice. People like to chat to a person who is polite and friendly. A smile or some other kind of positive body language indicates that you are willing to engage in conversation and prepares the ground by building the rapport. Be nice and avoid saying unpleasant things unless they are absolutely necessary.

It is also advisable to avoid controversial and contentious topics such as politics or religion if the other party has a different set of beliefs. One should never touch such topics while talking to comparative strangers. Even if such a topic comes up, it is better to stick to neutral ground than to strongly support one or the other view. It is still better to indulge in small talk on topics like weather, food or recent news.

Niceness also demands that even if you find somebody dull or boring, do not say so.

11.                         Responding – Conversation is bound to flag if you do not respond to your partner. To be able to respond, you have to listen and understand. Focus on the words of the partner and also pay attention to his body language. When you can of nothing to say, you can keep the conversation going by using a non-committal filler sentence which does not carry much meaning. Something like ‘You have put me in an embarrassing position.’ Or ‘That is really interesting. It has never occurred to me.’

12.                         Signalling – When neither party has anything to say and the conversation appears to be flagging, you can keep it going by asking your partner a question or just by telling him to say something. Open questions beginning with a question word are better than closed questions which call only for a YES/NO answer because they give the other party more space to say something.

13.                        Showing interest – Be interested and you will be interesting. Your interest in other people and the world around you makes it interesting to talk to you. It makes the conversation move smoothly.

Elements of Conversation

Conversation can be used for a variety of purposes. These purposes are known as the elements of conversation. Given below is a brief account of these elements:

!. Asking – Asking questions in order to obtain information is an important element of conversation. We frequently ask questions during a conversation to get the information we require.

2. Informing – We use a large part of conversation to provide information that our partner in conversation needs. We may provide this information because of our own desire to supply it or in answer to the questions he asks. In the former case, the information to be provided is chosen by us and in the latter case, the information to be provided is selected by the partner in conversation.

3. Asserting – Sometimes, the purpose of conversation is to lay emphasis on the fact that the information given is true and correct and to secure the agreement of the other party by convincing him of its truth.

4. Proposing – We may sometimes put forth an idea for the consideration an acceptance of the partner/s. They are invited to weigh it and accept or reject it by exercising their judgement.

5. Summarising – At times, we use conversation to show our understanding of what the other fellow has said by summing up what he has said in our own words.

6. Checking – The purpose may sometimes be to find out whether we have correctly understood what the other party has said. If it is found to be faulty or incorrect, we can seek clarification.

7. Building – Sometimes, we indulge in conversation with a view to adding to our existing store of knowledge. We want to know about those aspects of a topic about which we are ignorant.

8. Including – Sometimes, we may say something with the aim of drawing an individual who is not giving his opinion to join the conversation and give his opinion. There are some people who are reticent by nature. Or a person may be deliberately keeping mum to avoid being drawn into a controversy or to avoid annoying or displeasing another person.

9. Excluding – We may also sometimes have to speak in order to tell a person to keep silent and not give his opinion. We do so when we feel that his words are likely to generate heat 0r lead to controversy or an unpleasant situation.

10. Self-Promotion – The purpose of speaking sometimes is to improve our own image in the eyes of the others by displaying a piece of information or knowledge. It may not always amount to bragging or boasting but a be an expression of our normal desire to win approval or admiration.

11. Supporting – At times, we choose to contribute to a conversation in order to support an argument that another partner has put forth because we feel it to be correct and we want it to be accepted by the others.

13. Avoiding – There may happen to be an occasion when we say something to avoid being drawn into a controversy. We may do so because we do not have a clear idea of the issue or simply out of a desire to remain neutral.

14. Challenging – When we feel that what someone has said is not correct, we have to challenge it and ask him to prove its correctness by providing supporting evidence. We may sometimes hold a completely opposite view and wish to prove that our view is correct.

15. Attacking – When we feel that what another fellow has said is outrageously incorrect or false or has a malignant motive, we step in vigorously to oppose what he has said and use all the force at our command to totally destroy the argument he has given.

16. Defending – There are also occasions when we have to speak in favour of our own argument because someone has opposed, challenged or attacked it.

17. Blocking – The purpose of our speaking may sometimes be to prevent another person from saying what he wants to say.

Understanding the Cue and Making Appropriate Responses

A clue is a prompt that signals your partner in conversation that you have finished what you wanted to say and now expect him to make a response. These cues are an important component conversation. Conversation is bound to flag or even come to a premature end if even one of the partners fails to take the cue and make an appropriate response. They not only signal to the listening partner that it is now his turn to speak but also sometimes give him an idea of the kind of response that is expected of you. It is very important to understand the cues and make the right kind of response if the conversation is to be taken to its logical end or to achieve the objective for which it was initiated. Your inability to take the cue disappoints your partner and makes you look stupid. It may give the impression that you are not interested in continuing the conversation any more or you are indifferent to what is being said. It may also indicate that you have nothing to say.

There are two types of clues: Verbal and Non-verbal

Verbal Cues: Verbal cues are linguistic utterances prompting the listener to take his turn in speaking. The most obvious of them are direct questions. We can ask two types of questions – Open questions which require the person addressed to supply some kind of information. Such questions are the best cues because they make it clear to the listener what kind of information you are seeking. And he is able to provide that information in detail. Generally, answers to such questions are quite long. They normally cannot be answered in on or two word. These questions begin with a question word like what, when, why, where, how etc.

Alternatively, the question may be transformed into a request for information. But the purpose is the same. The request may sometimes be made in the form of a closed question beginning with a word like can, could, will, would etc. We have to understand whether the person wants a detailed answer or just a yes or no in response.

They may also take the form of an imperative sentence ordering, requesting or instructing the other fellow to make a certain kind of response.

The other type of questions is closed questions. These questions begin with an auxiliary verb and can be answered by saying yes or no. They are asked when we want the other fellow to give a positive or negative response to a request or to agree or disagree with an opinion.

Alternatively, they may look like a statement but the rising tone at the end signals clearly that the speaker is asking a question and not providing any kind of information.

These questions are not much helpful in sustaining conversation but they do form an important part of any conversation.

Non-verbal Cues: Non-verbal cues do not take the form of words. For the most part, they are gestures made by using some part of the body. Looking at the partner with a questioning expression, an expectant facial expression, moving the head upwards or making a gesture with your hands are just a few of them. To be able to follow them, we have to pay careful attention to the body language of the partners. Otherwise, we may fail to notice them at all or misconstrue them and make an inappropriate response.

Use of the rising tone at the end of an utterance is another type of non-verbal cue. Some other kind of tone than the normal falling tone may also be a cue that your partner wants you to make a response now. Sometimes, it may just be a sigh or a sob.

Non-verbal cues are more important than even the verbal cues. They never lie. They always give the correct information. Whenever, there appears to be contradiction between a verbal and a non-verbal cue, it is the non-verbal one that should be believed. Somebody may tell you in an angry and ironical tone that he does want you to say anything but his tone and his physical behaviour will certainly tell you that he expects some kind of response and is exasperated at your delay or inability to make it.

Importance of Cues: Cues, verbal or non-verbal, play an important part in conversation. Without understanding them and making the right kind of responses, it is simply impossible to sustain a conversation for long. It is bound to be terminated before achieving its intended objective. They serve the following purposes in conversation:

1.     They tell you when you are expected to speak. They are important from the point of view of turn taking. If the partners are able to understand each other’s cues, the conversation can made to continue for as long as you want. If not, the conversation is sure to flag.

2.     They help you to have better control over the conversation. If you follow them correctly, you can make the conversation move smoothly and in the desired direction and achieve the intended goal.

3.     They ensure that the other person is better able to make the kind of response that you expect him to make.

4.     They also help you to analyse more successfully and correctly what the partner is saying. Chances of misunderstanding are thus minimised.

5.     They enable you to cope with any unintended mistakes – the use of a inappropriate word or a wrong structure.

6.     Taking the cues also means that you respect, honour and appreciate the opportunity to meet them.

Forms of Polite Speech

Making a request:

1.     Make use of the word please or kindly at the beginning, in the middle or at the end of the request

2.     It is even better to give it the form of a question beginning with words like will, can, may etc.

3.     Using the past tense form of these words instead of the present makes you request sound even politer.

Showing gratitude:

 If somebody does you a favour or renders you some kind of help, remember to express your sense of gratitude. You must acknowledge any kind of help, service or favour.

Say ‘Thank you’ or

I am highly thankful to you.

I am deeply obliged (indebted) to you.

 

Response to an expression of gratitude:

Say

You are welcome or simply Welcome

No mention please.

Mention it not please.

It needs no mention.

It’s all right.

My pleasure or It was my pleasure.

 

 Showing Respect

While addressing an audience, say

Respected ladies or gentlemen or ladies and gentlemen as the case may be.

Use titles like Mr. Miss, Mrs. Ms. Sir, Madam or professional titles like Doctor, Professor etc. before the name. Also remember not to use the first name after these titles. Use the family name or the last name,

 

Asking for Permission

Give your request for permission the form of a question.

Let your question begin with the word may can.

Still better if you use the past tense of these words i.e. might or could.

You can append the words ‘Excuse me’ at the beginning of your request.

It would be even better if you made your request indirect

 I want a hamburger.

I would like to have ………………….

I would like a ……………………….

I would have a ………………………..

Send me the report.

Could you send me the report?

Go away. Leave me alone.

Could you give me a minute?

Could you leave me by myself?

Sorry, I am a bit busy right now?

Tell me when you will do it.

Let me know when you will be able to do it.

 

Making what we say indirect

You are wrong.

I think or  I am afraid you might be mistaken.

Actually, this is the right position. (State what is correct)

I am afraid I disagree.

But allow me to disagree.

That is a bad idea.

I am not so sure that is a good idea.

But I have my doubts.

I have a few concerns.

Your work is bad.

I am afraid I am not satisfied with you work.

To be honest, It needs some improvement.

I think you had better improve.

I do not like the colours in this design.

I would like to use different colours.

I am not too fond of these colours.

 

Using vague language

 

It is very cold here.     It is kind of cold here.

Lower the volume.      Could you just lower the volume, please?

Improve your vocabulary.    Could you possibly improve your vocabulary?

You need to add more words to your vocabulary.

You could devote more time adding more words to your vocabulary.

Come at eight.       Come any time around eight.

Could you lend me one thousand rupees?

Could you lend me something like (around) a thousand rupees.

It is already seven. We should start now.

It already about seven. I think we should start now.  

 

Using past tense instead of present.

1.I hope you have the required amount.

          I was hoping you had the required amount.

2.I think you will like to have rest now.

          I thought you would like to have rest now.

3.I want to ask you a question.

          I wanted to ask you a question.

4.I am having problems with my computer. Can you help me?

I am having problems with my computer. I was wondering if you could help me.

5.Do you want another cup?    Did you want another cup?

6.I think you may need my help.     I thought you might need my help.

Using IF

Follow my advice please.     If you could follow my advice.

I want to make one more submission.    If I could make one more submission.

Using ‘If you don’t mind’ or If it’s okay with you’.

If you don’t mind, I want to borrow your scooter.

If it’s okay with you, I would like you to explain it again.

Using two steps instead of one

1.     Did you go to his house? I mean did you visit him?

2.     Do you have some money on you?

Yes.

Could lend me a hundred rupees?

We can also show politeness by using the first name of the person addressed if is close to us.

Could you carry this bag for me, Mohan?

Using gender neutral language

1.     Use words like salesperson, chairperson instead of salesman, chairman.

2.     If the people referred to belong to both genders, use He or She, Him or Her, His or Her instead He, Him, His alone.

3.     You can also use an oblique (/) in place of OR.

4.     Sometimes, you may use the plural pronoun – they, them, their etc. – instead of the singular – He, Him, His etc.

The following things are considered a sign of impoliteness:

1.     Using titles before the first name.

2.     Using endearing terms like love, darling, honey, pet etc. for strangers.

3.     Using gender discriminatory language.

4.     Using the imperative form (Open the door.) and that too without please or kindly.

But we can use the imperative for giving a warning, giving instructions or directions or making offers.

In written requests, we may use the imperative with a politeness marker like please.